Courageous 60 seconds: when you're in conflict
Small misunderstandings add up over time. If you see a misunderstanding or offense, it's best to address it right away. This helps resolve conflicts faster.
This is not about being argumentative or nitpicking, but about catching conflict before it grows into something more.
Inquire & share concerns
If you feel upset, say something soon after to express your concerns and ask for clarification, or at least show that you want to talk later.
Here’s some sentence starters:
- Do you have a moment to talk about what happened?
- I’m feeling uncomfortable about our last interaction.
- Can you share more about what you meant when you said/did ___?
- When you did ____ I thought you were disrespecting me.
- I noticed your body language and guessed your frustration with me.
- It bothered me that you did ____.
- It hurt my feelings when you said ____.
- I was confused by ____.
- Your behaviour didn’t match what I’ve come to expect from you.
- What you said conflicts with how we agreed to behave with each other.
- Is something going on for you that would be helpful for me to know?
- Your behaviour doesn’t seem to match what you want.
- What you said just now seems to contradict what you said before.
- I perceived that comment as offensive.
- I don’t like how that conversation went.
- When I observed ____, I thought ____ and felt ____. Can we talk about it?
- Can we revisit this topic later?
If you think you’ve offended or annoyed someone, feel misunderstood or are regretting how you behaved, be courageous enough to acknowledge it, even if you aren’t prepared to talk right away.
Acknowledge
If you think you upset someone, be courageous and admit it, even if you're not ready to talk yet.
Conversation starters:
- I’m not proud of how I showed up in that moment.
- I realize I may have been communicating something different than what I felt.
- I’m embarrassed by how I behaved.
- I realize my behaviour/statement/mood impacted you.
- I’m feeling misunderstood.
- Can I share what else is going on for me?
- I’m sorry for what I said/how I behaved just now.
- I need a break before we continue talking about this.
- I’m realizing I don’t have the energy to give this conversation the attention it deserves. Can we pause and reconvene later?
When you see someone else in conflict
If you witness people not understanding each other or hear about a conflict, think about how you can guide them toward the right solution instead of making it worse.
Conversation starters:
- Have you tried talking to the other person?
- What support do you think you need?
- I noticed you and ___ in a conversation that seemed heated, is everything okay?
- I heard how ___ spoke to you. Do you want to talk about what to do next?
- Have you seen UVic’s Conflict Toolkit?
- Have you read UVic’s Conflict Principles?
- It seems this conversation is escalating. Should we take a break and regroup?
- I wonder if we can pause and discuss how we want to behave with each other before moving forward.