i need help, i wanna kill maself
>>1
[1/3]
My Gay Best Friend
arashi-enkou
Rated: T - English - Humor/Friendship - Mamoru C./Darien S./Tuxedo Kamen & Rei H./Raye/Sailor Mars - Published: 10-15-08 - Complete - id:4598100
"Well," Mamoru looked over his raven haired companion, chuckling at her haggard appearance. "You look like you had a good night."
Rei grunted. There were dark bags beneath her eyes, her hair was a mess of black tangles on her head, and she gripped her cup of coffee like a life-line.
"Usagi slept over, didn't she?"
Another grunt, followed by a large swing of coffee.
"She snuggled," Rei spat out, twitching. She set down her coffee, wrung her hands. "Dude, she just got all over me." She began to wave her hands in the air. "And then, she totally grabbed my butt, I swear. When I asked her about it, she just-just-"
"Don't need to hear anymore," Mamoru said, smirking. "I don't think my innocent, virgin ears can handle it." He yelped as Rei shoved a fist into the flesh of his arm.
"Shove it, you moron," she snerked.
"Why, Rei, that was so abusive," Mamoru said, his tone laced with sarcastic pain. "I believe I'm going to file for a divorce."
"Sweet, that means I get half your shit." The miko took another gulp of coffee. "Bring out the lawyers, Chiba, I'll sign the papers."
"I'll get back to you on that. So," Mamoru looked down at Rei. "What happened next? Usagi started molesting you, you returned the favor, hot sex ensued-"
"Ah, ah, hold it," Rei held up a hand. "First off, Usagi was just high on something, I don't know what, and she just, y'know, grabbed my ass. Second, I did not return the favor and third, hot sex did not ensue. But damn," she closed her eyes with a dopey grin. "That would have been awesome."
"Bad Rei," Mamoru scolded, amused. "You don't have sex with Usagi unless I manage to hook up a couple of cameras and sell the tape on Ebay."
Another punch to his arm. "You're a fucking perv, Chiba."
"Hey, a man's got to eat somehow, right?" He rolled his eyes. "So what else? You said something about her looking at you...?"
"Oh!" Rei's arms shot up. "Right! She was so freaking looking at me with bedroom eyes." She tried to imitate the look, which had Mamoru snorting into his own cup of coffee at the picture. "I'm serious! And then Usagi, that bitch, was just all," Rei scrunched up her face. "'Nighty-night Rei-chan'!" She said in a high-pitched voice, which sounded like nails on a chalkboard. "'Sweet dreams'!"
Mamoru chortled, slumping on the counter. "Oh damn," he wheezed. "And, let me guess-"
"She gave me a good night kiss!" Rei sputtered, her arms wheeling about again. "And then it was like, how the boody hell am I supposed to sleep now with all this sexual tension we got goin' on here?"
"So what did you do?"
"Simple," Rei said. "I got out my Wii and Smash Bros. Brawl and beat the shit out of that chick in the blue body suit."
"Effective," Mamoru said flatly. "Supress sexual urges with mindless, videogame violence. Because that's healthy."
"Glad you see it my way." Rei crossed her arms and smirked. Mamoru rolled his eyes. "Plus, that snapshot thing you can do on the game? Totally helped."
"Hmm," Mamoru grunted, holding out his hand. "Gimme."
[2/3]
Rei laughed and reached in her back pocket, revealing a stack of printed out pictures from the game. She plopped it into Mamoru's hand, smirking. The taller man began to flip through the pictures, eyebrows raising at the blatantly sexual images and violent deaths of a blonde in a blue, skin-tight body suit.
"Has she done something to you in another life?" he asked, amused, as he held up a picture that showed the blonde woman being horrifically beaten by a large turtle looking thing, a green skinned ogre looking man, and a fat, pudgey little creature, with a weird mustache.
"No," Rei snorted, finishing off her coffee and ordering another. "Something about her just rubs me the wrong way. Can't stand the bitch."
"Uh-huh," Mamoru sighed, handing back the pictures. "You're something else, Rei."
"And you love me for it."
"Tolerate you. I tolerate you. You and your-hey!" He snapped his fingers in front of her face as her eyes followed the trail of a curvy blonde with a shocking resemblance to Usagi. "No checking out other women when I'm present."
"Meh," Rei snorted. "I'm still single, if you haven't noticed, so I can check out other women if I want."
"If you were gay," Mamoru began in a whisper, grinning like a fool. Rei rolled her eyes at the sound of that stupid song.
"Already am, too late for that."
"Well, damn Rei," The man leaned back, holding his heart. "Shot down before I had a chance to humiliate you? I'm hurt."
"And you're a moron," Rei said sweetly. "And, my friend, if you were queer I'd still be here-"
"Ha. Ha. You're hilarious." Mamoru frowned darkly, causing Rei to erupt into a fit of giggles.
"It's not that far off," she snickered. "Remember Fiore?"
Mamoru blushed. "You're a bitch, Rei."
"Guilty," Rei held up her hand, smirking. "But would you want me any other way?"
"Yes," he said. "I would prefer to see you as Usagi's bitch, once in a while. Because I would be a happy, happy man if that happened."
"Oh please, Chiba, you'd be a happy man if you saw Setsuna and Minako goin' at it."
"I have." At Rei's stunned silence, Mamoru cleared his throat, shifted uncomfortably. "To be honest, it's not that great. Then again, my memory is still a bit hazy from Setsuna clobering me over the head with that goddamn staff of hers. Which, by the way, hurts."
"You, my friend, are a hero," the miko said soundly, clapping him on the back. "And, lord above shoot me down now for saying this, but I am actually honored to be in your prescence."
"Oh stop," Mamoru said, brushing her hand away from him. "No, I lie, go on, stroke my ego. It purrs from your words."
"...And people wonder why I'm gay."
"Are you insinuating I have to power to turn girls gay, simply by them being in my prescence?"
"I would never insinuate such a thing" Rei patted his hand. "I'm just stating plain ol' fact."
"...This power is awesome," he said flatly. "I might just become a super hero."
[3/3]
"Oh, I can see it now," Rei sneered, looping an arm through his and gesturing out into the air. "'Rose-Man! Gifted with the ability to turn girls gay! Coloring the rainbow, one lesbian at a time!'"
"And people wonder why we hate each other," Mamoru said fondly, patting Rei's head. Truth be told, the miko was more of a sister to him, than anything else. A sarcastic, snarky, rude, mean, loyal, strong, and annoying sister, but a sister nonetheless.
"Aww, they think that?" Rei gasped. She clung to his arm, blinking up at him with doe eyes. "But I wuvs mah Mamo-baka."
"Okay, no. Just no," Mamoru laughed, shoving Rei away from him; the miko was already clamping a hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter. "Stick to the women, Rei."
"Can do," she replied suavely. " I can do her and her and her..." she continued, pointing out random women from the cafe. Her eyes lit up as she noticed Usagi stomping towards the door of the cafe, her face scrunched up cutely. "Oooh. Can definitely do her."
"Innocent, virgin ears," Mamoru reminded her in a sing-song tone.
"Don't really care," Rei replied with the same tone. Usagi finally made her way into the cafe; Rei spread her arms with a cheeky grin as Usagi neared them. "Usagi! C'mere and give us a kiss!" she said with a joking tone.
Mamoru's eyebrows joined his hairline as Usagi fisted the top of Rei's shirt and yanked the miko into a bruising kiss. Then he whipped out his camera phone and started snapping away at the scene.
"Why would you just leave?" Usagi hissed when they parted. "When I'm trying to seduce you, you just don't get up and leave me."
"...hubba-wha?" Rei squeaked. Mamoru could have sworn there was a bit of grey matter leaking from her ears.
"Rule one," the blonde held up a finger. "When I sleep over, you follow whatever instincts you have and ravish me beyond belief. Understood?"
Rei nodded.
"Rule two," Usagi leaned in closer. "When you sleep over, I pin you to the bed, and we do it until you're making sounds only dogs can hear."
"Can I sleep over tonight?" Rei asked quickly.
"Say yes," Mamoru added in, having switched from camera mode to video mode. Usagi turned to him and smiled sweetly, chirping him a hello before her mood switched again.
"Did you think I would give you a choice?" Usagi smirked. "You're sleping over whether you want to or not."
"I want to," Rei supplied, ensnared. "Can we go now?"
"Duh." Usagi merely hooked a finger in Rei's jacket and began to tug her to the door. "Bye Mamoru-kun," she called over her shoulder. Rei looked over and pumped her arm, mouthing, "FUCK YES" at him.
"Have fun ladies," he called after them, grinning. He looked at his camera smiling evily. "And now that I have evidence of Rei being the bitch of the two," he said aloud. "I can be a happy man again."
Good luck, Rei. You're gonna need it.
You, as an informatic chattel, are much too valuable for us to permit any act resulting in your death. Unless you, having agreed to the appropriate commercial advertising conditions, stream an entertaining self-execution. Naturally, we require a security deposit sufficient to cover whatever costs shall be caused in the event of your performance being insufficiently entertaining.
donut do it
>>6
Always try to cheer up your donuts. They have a hole at the center of their being.
You, as an informatic chattel, are much too valuable for us to permit any act resulting in your death. Unless you, having agreed to the appropriate commercial advertising conditions, stream an entertaining self-execution. Naturally, we require a security deposit sufficient to cover whatever costs shall be caused in the event of your performance being insufficiently entertaining.
I'm keeping this in my quotes file.
L0L