The Sketch

from the second series of "Monty Python's Flying Circus" and "Monty Python's Previous Record"

 
(Spam = Spiced Pork And Ham, a sort of cheap luncheon meat)
 
Scene:  A cafe.  One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned
        helmets on.  A man and his wife enter.
 
Man (Eric Idle): You sit here, dear.
Wife (Graham Chapman in drag): All right.
Man (to Waitress): Morning!
Waitress (Terry Jones, in drag as a bit of a rat-bag): Morning!
Man:      Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam;
          egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage
          and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam
          bacon spam tomato and spam;
Vikings (starting to chant): Spam spam spam spam...
Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked
          beans spam spam spam...
Vikings (singing):  Spam!  Lovely spam!  Lovely spam!
Waitress:  ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a
          Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with
          truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Wife:     Have you got anything without spam?
Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in
          it.
Wife:     I don't want ANY spam!
Man:      Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Wife:     THAT'S got spam in it!
Man:      Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
Vikings:  Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)
Wife:     Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Wife:     What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Vikings:  Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!)
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings:  Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!  (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings!  You can't have egg bacon
          spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife (shrieks): I don't like spam!
Man:      Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss.  I'll have your spam.  I love it.
          I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam
          spam and spam!
Vikings (singing):  Spam spam spam spam.  Lovely spam!  Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Man:      Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam...  (but it is too late and
          the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings (singing elaborately):  Spam spam spam spam.  Lovely spam!  Wonderful
          spam!  Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam.  Lovely spam!
          Lovely spam!  Lovely spam!  Lovely spam!  Lovely spam!  Spam spam
          spam spam!